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So_Thoughtful
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Name: Les T. Sane
Gender: Male
Interests: Douglas Adams, Charles Williams, C.S. Lewis, George Lucas, Peter Jackson, Al Yankovic, Derek Webb, and more!
Expertise: I can sleep pretty well.
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/4/2006
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| As I regarded my entirely unremarkable surroundings, it occurred to me that my life was fraught with annoyances and griefs too numerous to conceive of. None of them were really of the least importance when you really got down to it, but there sure were an awful lot of them, and I’ll be darned if I don’t just love to gripe.
Even upon the realization that my life was really actually rather good in comparison to those of people around me, I could not help but desire that my existence be improved. Perhaps those surrounding me are worse off than I, but I am a deeply selfish man who cares about nothing other than myself.
I set off on a quest to better my situation. Perhaps, thought I, salvation is in the happiness of others. A noble sentiment, perhaps, but one must wonder whether it really counts as virtue if I’m doing it to benefit my own life and not theirs.
I looked about for someone to aid. I saw a man idling in the square, and I took it upon myself to relieve him of the great burden he surely must be carrying.
“Ho, good sir,” I said as I approached. “What, pray tell, may I do to improve your life?”
“Leave me to myself,” said he.
“Why, I believe I can do that!” I exclaimed, overjoyed that the solution to my deficiency of happiness was so simple and easy. I hurried away posthaste to complete my errand.
As I turned the nearest corner, I stopped and sat with my back against the wall of a very tall, gray building, the shadow of which blocked out any trace of sunlight that might have made this scene slightly interesting in its coloration. I leaned my head back against this building and looked up to contemplate the brown mass of smog that lingered above me.
It is curious, I thought, that my thoughts are not set apart from the rest of the text in any especial way. But no matter. I must bask in the glorious happiness which I have won for myself.
I spent many moments thus engaged in the activity of basking. The more I attempted it, however, the more I discovered that I really was not happy at all. I had aided the happiness of another, but what had it really done for me? I seemed to have missed the point of my own exercise. Surely, thought I, there is another secret to happiness.
I walked out of the alleyway and back into the dimly lit streets. I noticed a patch of grass located before a hotel, and a number of men in rocking chairs sitting upon it, apparently engaged in some discourse.
Perhaps, thought I, the secret of happiness is in intelligent discussion with learned men.
I therefore proceeded and stood in the midst of the men on the grass.
“How ‘bout that weather, eh?” said one of the men, who had a long blade of grass in his teeth. He was chewing it for some reason that escaped me.
“Aye,” said another, most discernable by the hat upon his head. The hat itself was completely unremarkable, but it set him apart as he alone wore one.
There was a pause, and I saw my opportunity to break into this veritable cascade of conversation.
“Greetings, fine gentlemen,” said I. “May I inquire as to the names of those to whom I speak?”
“Certainly,” said the man with the blade of grass stuck in his teeth. “My name is Grassblade.”
“And a fitting name it is!” I exclaimed.
“And my name is Hat,” said the man with the unremarkable hat.
“Dear me,” said I. “I may faint out of sheer astonishment at the cleverness bestowed upon the two of you by your parental figures!”
“And may we inquire your name?” asked Hat.
“Alas,” said I, “It would be inappropriate for me to divulge my name to you.”
“Pray, why?” replied Grassblade. “We have given you ours.”
“Indeed,” I said. “However, I am the lead character in a story which I am narrating, and I therefore must be very ambiguous as to my name.”
“I see,” said Hat. “Very well.”
I thought perhaps I might drop dead on the spot from an excess of pleasure. Discourse indeed seemed to dispense exactly the happiness I desired.
“Well,” said Grassblade.
And with that, both Grassblade and Hat promptly stood up, bid me good day, and strolled off down the road.
Alas! I thought. While conversation surely is the key to happiness, I am now deprived of it. As it has departed from me, the pleasure I felt when engaged in discourse with those two men must have not been real happiness, but only a mere shadow of that which I may one day experience.
I wandered aimlessly about the dreary town for a few moments, and found myself presently back at my own dwelling. There was a nice wooden chair on my porch, which I had always taken a bit of pride in because it seemed to fit so well with the wooden porch. Having spent such an exhausting day in the pursuit of happiness, I felt that I might sit in this chair and watch as the evening overtook the day and rendered the world dark and even more depressingly featureless than it already was.
I had not settled in the chair but a moment when a man happened by.
“Hail, sir,” he said.
“Good day to you,” said I.
The man walked on.
I leaned back comfortably in my chair. While the chair itself was quite comfortable, and the porch well intact, and the house behind me still standing, I still felt as though my life was devoid of happiness. However, I had done quite enough searching for the day, and felt quite tired of it.
Presently, a man with whom my relationship will remain unknown came out of the house and stopped to speak to me.
“Are you indeed sitting?” he asked.
“Do you not believe your eyes?” I replied.
“All too easily,” he said. “Did you not set out just an hour ago to seek happiness?”
“Indeed,” said I.
“And did you find it?” asked he.
“Alas,” I said, “My journey was a failure.”
“Are you any closer to your goal at all than when you first set out?”
“No, indeed,” said I.
“And yet you have come back to sit here and not seek happiness, despite the fact that your lack of it continues on?”
I nodded, and leaned back in the chair. The man walked back inside the house. I shall not go to the difficulty of describing the look on his face, as he is perhaps the only man I have ever known to have an ounce of sense, and is therefore one who must always be ignored in such matters as these.
I surveyed my featureless surroundings again, and discovered that I felt that my life was greatly fraught with annoyances and grievances numerous enough to make myself loathe its very existence.
But that, thought I, is a problem that I shall endeavor to solve tomorrow, for today has already seen its difficulty. | | |
| It was brought to my attention recently that Charlton Heston is no longer Hollywood’s only Moses. Last year, a musical version of The Ten Commandments was released, starring Val Kilmer.
Naturally, this intrigued me. After all, any new musicals are big news. So I decided to investigate. I was somewhat surprised by what I found.
We all know what a great actor Val Kilmer is, of course. But I was truly impressed by his performance in this film. Obviously, it’s nearly impossible to truly capture a performance in writing, but I shall endeavor to do my best. To give you a little taste of the brilliance of it, take a look at some of my favorite moments from the movie:
Ramses: The Deliverer is not a myth. He is a man!
Pharaoh Sethi: Who? Who is this man?!
Moses: I’m your huckleberry.
Pharaoh is weeping over his dead son
Moses: I’m afraid the strain was . . . more than he could bear.
Pharaoh Rameses: Moses!!
Moses: That’s the rumor.
Egyptian Magician: to Pharaoh We cannot create gnats, your holiness!
Moses: Maybe plagues just aren’t your game, magician . . . I know! Let’s have a spelling contest!
Moses: Why, Rameses, you look like someone just walked over your grave.
the Israelites are upset about having to make bricks without straw
Moses: Why, Israel, does this mean we’re not friends any more? You know, if I didn’t think you were my friends, I don’t think I could bear it.
Moses: Oh, Aaron, I apologize, I forgot you were there. You may go now.
Moses: And you must be Pharaoh. Look, Aaron, it’s Pharaoh Rameses. Greatest Pharaoh since Tutankhamun, they say. What do you think, Aaron? Should I hate him?
to Egyptian idols
Moses: I got ten plagues, one for each of ya.
to Nefretiri
Moses: It’s true, you are a good woman. Then again, you just might be the antichrist.
after multiple refusals to let the Israelites go
Moses: I stand corrected, Rameses. You are an oak.
Pharaoh Rameses: I will not let your people go!
Moses: You’re no daisy! You’re no daisy at all!
after Joshua unexpectedly arrives in Midian
Sephora: Is he a fugitive? A runaway slave, a criminal. A stinkin’ fugitive?
Moses: Well he happens to be a stonecutter.
Sephora: A which?
Moses: You know . . . Joshua f***ing bar-Nun.
Egyptian Priest: Why are you doing this, Moses?
Moses: Because the LORD is my God.
Egyptian Priest: God? Heck, I’ve got lots of gods.
Moses: . . . I don’t. | | |
| NOTE: This is an email I wrote a while ago . . . so if some of the language isn't the way I talk anymore, or you see the words "this email," that's why.
If you're receiving this email, it's either because you have sent me a
forward at one time or another, or because I suspect you of forwarding
forwards to people, even if I'm not one of them.
I am here to tell you: THEY'RE DUMB!!!
Some forwards are okay. Some are even cool. These are the forwards
that are things like jokes, or funny stories. Stuff that makes me
laugh, that brightens up my day.
Most forwards do not fall into this category, however. I mean, I love
sappy, moving stories as much as the next sane human being, but one of
them a week is far more than enough. I don't need ten a day. And of
course we all love to hear about how Winston Churchill's life was
saved. But we all have heard it before.
And of course we all love to hear about how the darts thrown at the
wall actually hit Jesus. And how the dime-store pearls were taken away
to be replaced by REAL pearls.
But really, guys, enough is enough. What do they do for us? I'll tell
you what they do for us. Absolutely nothing. What they do is they take
a lesson (sometimes an important one, sometimes a not-so-important
one) and they turn it into a sappy cliche.
Some of you may know (but probably most of you don't) that I am a fan
of a Christian singer named Derek Webb. He actually has a song that
touches on this practice. Not the practice of forwarding, that would
be laughable. But he does mention turning God's words to cheap
cliches: "Just turning God's words to cheap cliches/Says 'what part of
murder don't you understand?'" In turning lessons into cliches, we are
taking something valuable and turning into something stupid.
How would you feel as an evangelist if you saw someone commit a sin,
walked up to them, and said "What part of 'that's bad' don't you
understand?!" You probably wouldn't be all that successful. You would
turn people away, because all you'd be preaching is that they need a
savior. You don't mention at all that a savior exists, that he came to
save, and that I've been saved, and you've been saved, and they can be
saved, too.
Forwards, then, could be construed as a bad witness to the world.
But what about the other kinds of forwards? There are forwards which
tell you to follow their directions, and such-and-such will happen,
and then if you don't, such-and-such badness will happen.
I'm here to tell you, people, that the people who start forwards have
no control over the way the world works. If I send this forward to ten
people in the next ten minutes, there's no guarantee that God will
bless me. It's up to him. If I DON'T send this forward to ten people
in the next ten minutes, my love life won't necessarily suck forever.
Of course, my love life might suck forever anyway, but that's an
entirely different conversation. But anyway, how does the email know
who the love of my life is? How do they know I've even met them? For
all I know, I could become a missionary in China and marry a Chinese
convert when I'm fifty-freakin-nine! And I don't think that if I send
this forward to ten people in the next ten minutes, she's gonna
suddenly wake up and go "I think I like Mark . . ."
They have no more control over the world than you or I. If I sent out
an email to you saying that if you don't buy me a pizza tomorrow, the
love of your life is going to shun you and marry your best friend,
would you buy me a pizza? Of course not! . . . Well, okay, maybe you
would, but it sure as heck wouldn't be because you thought that if you
didn't the love of your life is going to marry your best friend
instead of you and make you miserable for the rest of your life.
In essence, that's the same as a forward. And maybe you don't send
them on because you believe them. Maybe you send them on because you
just like to torture other people. Maybe, just maybe, sending them on
is a subconscious cry for help. If it is, and you do want mental help,
give me a call . . . I know a very good psychiatrist (seriously).
If you like to torture others, then you also might want to call me, so
I can give you his number. Cause it would be good to get that problem
worked out now, before torturing others is against the law when you're
older.
Have I convinced you that there's no real reason to send them on?
Hopefully. So this is my challenge to you: break the chain. For the
next week, do not send on a single forward. You don't have to delete
them, just don't send them on.
If you do, the love of your life will wake up in China and wonder what
the heck is going on. Ha-ha just kidding. But seriously. Spare us. | | |
| Over the course of human history, there have been people who tried to conquer the entire world. There have also been countless more fictional people who tried to conquer the world. Either way, people have tried to conquer the world.
Some people, no doubt, will view this attempt as a gift to the world, a way to world-wide peace. But, due to the fallen, violent nature of mankind, I think it is safe to say that we will, most likely, always have conflict.
There are other groups, whoever, who attempt to conquer the world out of a selfish lust for power. It is these sort of people that I am concerned about. The others can have their eyes opened and avoid the unnecessary pain and suffering. With those who conquer out of a desire for power, there is no eye-opening to be done. They simply want power, and are willing to sacrifice almost anything, even the lives of innocent people, to get it.
Many of these attempts (at least in fiction) are made somewhat openly. The culprit will announce to the world that he (or, so that I don’t get sued for gender-discrimination, she) is taking over. This is part of the reason that all of them, to this point, have failed: people hear about it, people aren’t happy about it, people do things to stop it.
But a true criminal genius, someone who was truly brilliant, and who truly wanted to take over the world, they would do it secretly. Move things in secret until he (or she) was positive that there was no way that the world could resist him. For example, secretly place nuclear bombs in orbit around the Earth, ready to fire on command. That way, if he (OR she) doesn’t rule the world, no one does, because there isn’t an Earth to rule.
That, however, would be banal and rather unnecessarily violent, as any true mastermind would see. It would also be fairly difficult to place that many nuclear bombs in orbit around the Earth without SOMEBODY noticing . . . there are, after all, countless satellites and sensors in orbit, and I’m sure they’re good enough to pick up something like a huge ring of nuclear bombs.
No, someone truly capable of taking over the world would do it with much more finesse, and much more secretly.
However, as I’m sure some wise person has said at some point, if you really want something hidden, put it in plain view. This is exactly what this mastermind did, and exactly where I found it.
That’s right. I’ve discovered a plot to take over the world, and not a second too soon. Had I not discovered it for a while longer, it might be far too late to act to stop it. As it is, I pray that I am not too late, and that you all will help me to counteract this horrible act of ambition unchecked.
I first discovered it a few weeks ago, when my family and I (minus my older brother) went on vacation to Palm Desert. I knew something was up. How did I know? Because I saw this, a direct quote from our restaurant guide (I swear I am not making this up): “Starbucks are located everywhere.”
Suddenly, it was as though a veil had been lifted from my eyes. It became so obvious. What better way to take over the world? You take something that people are totally dependant on (i.e., coffee; e.g, David), and you make it really, really good. Then you create a place where people can (legally) acquire this really, really good stuff that they’re totally dependant on. Naturally, since it’s so good, people across the nation, and indeed, across the world, will want more and more of these places.
Once you’re established as a legitimate business (and a really, really good business, to boot), it’s just a simple matter of deciding which course of action to take next, because world domination is now a piece of cake. Each location could be used as a sleeper-cell of sorts, allowing you to call up countless troops at the drop of a hat. Or, something could be placed into the coffee to either make people do your bidding, or make them turn on each other and slaughter one another, or any other countless things.
In short, if I’m right, we have very little hope of our freedom lasting for very long. The criminal mastermind behind the Starbucks operation is very near the final phase of his plan, and the final phase should be (if you’ll excuse the cruel irony of the metaphor due to the things that Starbucks sells other than coffee) a piece of cake.
Ladies and gentlemen, we must fight! We must rise up and stop this unhindered march towards total destruction! We can stop it! And we WILL stop it!
. . . But in the meantime, I’m really tired . . . I think I need some coffee . . . | | |
| For the Records, here's the link to the Force-Sensitivity quiz:
http://quizilla.com/users/darthharbison/quizzes/How%20Force-sensitive%20are%20you%3F/
Here's a link for those of you wanting to take it. AJ highly recommends this option. | | |
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